Memorable Quotes and quotations from Woody AllenWoody Allen US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )Woody Allen - - What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen - - If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. Woody Allen - - Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right. Woody Allen - - How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? Woody Allen - Without Feathers - A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead. Woody Allen - - We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi. Woody Allen - - There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. Woody Allen - - You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen - Without Feathers - Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib. Woody Allen - - For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. Woody Allen - - Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. Woody Allen - "Without Feathers" - My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately? Woody Allen - - My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen - - I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen - Without Feathers - Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving? Woody Allen - - Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen - - If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank. Woody Allen - - The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen - - More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen - - On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down. Woody Allen - - Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. Woody Allen - - More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen - - I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead. Woody Allen - Without Feathers - Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen - - It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Woody Allen - - I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead. Woody Allen - - Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen - Without Feathers - On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. Woody Allen - "Without Feathers" - Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird. Woody Allen - - I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. Woody Allen - - For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal Woody Allen - - His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy. Woody Allen - - Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. Woody Allen - - Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen - "Without Feathers" - Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence, so why bother shaving? Woody Allen - - Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? Woody Allen - - Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. Woody Allen - - I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. Woody Allen - - Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen - - Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies. Woody Allen - - There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? Woody Allen - - More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Woody Allen - - Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. Woody Allen - - Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. Woody Allen - - Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. Woody Allen - Just Six Numbers, Martin Rees, page 71 - Eternity is very long, especially towards the end. Woody Allen - - Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. Woody Allen - - I am at two with nature. Woody Allen - - Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. Woody Allen - - I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. Woody Allen - - Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end. Woody Allen - - How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? Woody Allen - - Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen - Without Feathers - Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. Woody Allen - - Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Woody Allen - - Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. Woody Allen - - How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans. Woody Allen - "Without Feathers" - The wicked at heart probably know something. Woody Allen - Annie Hall - I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me. Woody Allen - - When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. |
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